A 36, soon to be 37-year-old woman, me, was approached by two much-younger men on two separate occasions last week. The amorous solicitations appeared to signal an end to a long suffering dating drought but ended with not so much as a make out session.
The first hopeful, a strapping Scandinavian Ken doll look-alike named 'Lane,' approached the woman while she was walking a dog on West 93rd Street in Manhattan. The man, who had shoulder-length blond hair, azure eyes and a hot bod, inquired about the dog and moved quickly into the suggestion that they go for coffee. The woman then picked her jaw up off the cement and agreed.
At the Starbucks, the twosome enjoyed green teas over a refreshingly non-stilted conversation that was mostly dominated by the woman. (Still me.) She took notice that under the sunglasses a series of lines hinted at the beginnings of crow's feet, which made her feel better about the perceived age difference. On a number of occasions, the model-like Lane mentioned the phrase "next time we will have to..."
The woman said that she was busy for the next few days, but would call him if she would be attending the movies during that time. She telephoned two days later to inform the man that she would be going to a comedy movie, if he wanted to come along. He said he was booked up. The weekend passed with no follow-up call, as did the following three days. The woman's advisory committee officially declared the situation a 'blow off.' The woman did, however, come face to face with the young man later that week in a disasterous run-in where she was dressed as a mentally challenged individual: high waisted Chino shorts, white sneakers, and a McDonaland T-shirt featuring the Fry Guys and Hamburgler. Lane gave the woman a fake side hug and excused himself giving the excuse that he 'had a lot of work to do.'
"Who cares," the woman was overheard saying, "I don't need Lane and his prep school ass
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Where the Boys Are (Not)
Well, I found out where the boys are. On the street. Specifically, selling things on the street. This past weekend I've been asked out twice, which in one weekend is a hundred percent increase in solicitations during all of last year. I've had interactions with other guys that I've met on the street but every time I think it's going somewhere the conversation ends with no number exchange, no nothin'. But guys who work on the street must feel like they hold some jurisdiction. It's their street; you're just walking on it. That, or they just have more balls than other guys, which also seems probable. The first guy was actually a youth. 24 years old, but looked 16. He was selling jumbo flashlights, and he repeatedly asked to take me to lunch, and for my phone number. Sometimes no guys will ask me out for years, and then, some young guy is begging for me to go out with him. What the hell is that about? The next guy sells jewelry on the street. This is the second jewelry vender that asked me out. The first was Brazilian, and also spun house music. He was young and skinny, and I don't like house music or all that goes along with it, so I rejected him. This new guy is Israeli, but looks and talks and acts somehow exactly like Hank Azaria as the scuba instructor who sleeps with Debra Messing in 'Along Came Polly.' He was sort of cute, but had already made a pass at my friend in addition to me. I don't know, maybe I'll call him. Once, I made out with a street musician who asked me out on the street. He was one of those small Peruvian fellows who plays the Andean flute. So, I may as well go out with him, it's not like I haven't done this before. Besides, my weekend was full of shit. I met a comedian on the street that I sort of like. We chatted, but of course there was no follow through. Then dog I was pet sitting for had exploding diahrea all over the living room at 6:30 am on Saturday.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Are You My Boyfriend?
The female subconscious is a powerful thing. If you are to begin the process of seeking a healthier relationship, it is vital that you ‘reprogram’. We have thus devised a simple, yet effective, regimen of videos that will help you. Instead of Retail Therapy we suggest Rental Therapy
Rental Therapy
The subconscious is a powerful tool that can be harnessed to help you seek kind men and to discern which men are boobs, unworthy of your attentions or affections. It is important to remember that ambivalent men are Jeckyll and Hyde type creates, prone to extreme shifts in behavior. Sometimes you think because your man looks the same as he did yesterday, that he is the same person inside. For most people, that would be a safe assumption to made. If you are dating an ambivalent man, however, this assumption could very well cost you your sanity.
It is important to recognize your boyfriend could actually be two (or more different people) lurking in the same body cavity. One of those people might be kind and generous—your dream man. The other one, however, might just be an insane, ego-destroying, maniac so self-involved and commitment-phobic that he makes Dennis Rodman look like Ghandi.
It is extremely difficult, however, for the average woman to recognize this. Therefore, we have come up with the following video program designed to help your subconscious to begin that oh-so-important process of discerning who your boyfriend really is. Movies contribute to this problem a great deal as men who are knights in shining armor on the silver screen are often scarecrows riding donkeys in real life. Consider the following "Reel Life" vs. "Real Life" scenarios:
1. Hugh Grant in Notting Hill vs. Hugh Grant getting arrested for solicing a prostitute on the Sunset Strip in real life.
2. Mel Gibson in Braveheart vs. Mel Gibson the anti-semetic, drunk driving lunatic.
3. Tom "you complete me" Cruise in Jerry M. vs. The crazy lunatic Scientologist control freak.
4. Ryan O'Neil in Love Story vs. Ryan O'Neil the abusive crazy father and cheating spouse.
5. Bill Cosby on the Cosby Show vs. Bill Cosby the cheating, chester-molester.
6. Charlie Sheen on 2and 1/2 Men vs. Cheating, crazy, rage-aholic husband of Denise.
7. Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black vs...well, you know....
Rental Therapy
The subconscious is a powerful tool that can be harnessed to help you seek kind men and to discern which men are boobs, unworthy of your attentions or affections. It is important to remember that ambivalent men are Jeckyll and Hyde type creates, prone to extreme shifts in behavior. Sometimes you think because your man looks the same as he did yesterday, that he is the same person inside. For most people, that would be a safe assumption to made. If you are dating an ambivalent man, however, this assumption could very well cost you your sanity.
It is important to recognize your boyfriend could actually be two (or more different people) lurking in the same body cavity. One of those people might be kind and generous—your dream man. The other one, however, might just be an insane, ego-destroying, maniac so self-involved and commitment-phobic that he makes Dennis Rodman look like Ghandi.
It is extremely difficult, however, for the average woman to recognize this. Therefore, we have come up with the following video program designed to help your subconscious to begin that oh-so-important process of discerning who your boyfriend really is. Movies contribute to this problem a great deal as men who are knights in shining armor on the silver screen are often scarecrows riding donkeys in real life. Consider the following "Reel Life" vs. "Real Life" scenarios:
1. Hugh Grant in Notting Hill vs. Hugh Grant getting arrested for solicing a prostitute on the Sunset Strip in real life.
2. Mel Gibson in Braveheart vs. Mel Gibson the anti-semetic, drunk driving lunatic.
3. Tom "you complete me" Cruise in Jerry M. vs. The crazy lunatic Scientologist control freak.
4. Ryan O'Neil in Love Story vs. Ryan O'Neil the abusive crazy father and cheating spouse.
5. Bill Cosby on the Cosby Show vs. Bill Cosby the cheating, chester-molester.
6. Charlie Sheen on 2and 1/2 Men vs. Cheating, crazy, rage-aholic husband of Denise.
7. Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black vs...well, you know....
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Where The Boys Are (Not)
I saw that interview! Lauer needed to give Brit a break. She is young and has a deadbeat husband. He was taking advantage of her vulnerability. Why doesn't he grill Angelina Jolie about how she bragged to the press that she would never sleep with a married man? If he ever said, 'you know, Angie, some people think you're a slut,' she would probably knee him in the nuts on camera. Anyway, Matt Lauer is a cheater; shame on him for looking down at Britney just because her mammaries are spilling out.
Anyway, my roommate has had an experience that further reveals Where the Boys Are (Not). I'm not sure why I find this story so funny but I just do. Perhaps because my roommate is so blase. This time the venue was a mostly-European-clientele jazz bar. Now this was helpful to me as I hate jazz, but was planning on checking out a jazz club just to see if it was where the boys are.
She went two weeks ago, and ended up talking to one of the two guys there that were'nt part of a couple. What you have to understand is that my roommate is Hungarian and likes to drink red wine and have conversations about culture. This guy was also European (Italien) and she described him as 'a little bit macho.' She had said this with a grimace but decided to give him a shot.
The guy came over on a Sunday with purple teeth and a fresh bottle of wine. He had curly hair and looked old. If you ask me she could have done a lot better than him, but she she seemed to be amusing herself. She, like me, is 36 and has not had a real date in 2 years. I heard them arguing in the hallway, but this is nothing new. She was using the same admonishing tone of voice as she uses with me and my other roomates in reference to the overflowing sink and the empty toilet paper roll.
Next week for her birthday, he invited her over for a BBQ but she declined. Mostly because she thinks he drinks too much. He gave her his number to call him, but she was clear in saying she was not going to do that; but he could call her if he wanted to.
On her birthday, this unwanted Italian showed up at the door with a dozen white roses and more red teeth, asking to take her to lunch. She yawned and shrugged. "Let me just change out of my robe."
The Italian launched into an animated monologue about jazz, to which I replied, 'I don't like jazz, I only like the blues.' He then became indignant and told me I couldn't like the blues if I didn't like jazz. Unruffled, I said, "Whatever you say," and offered him some sugar corn pops, which seemed to infuriate him more.
On the date, they rode from one restaurant to the next, looking for something suitable. The Italian refused to take the subway as my roommate suggested. Four cab rides in, my roommate was famished, and begged to just eat at some cheap Spanish place. The Italian was upset. Obvsiously my roommate wasn't falling prey to his charms as planned. For lunch, he tried to order for her, but that didn't work. She wanted soup, so she ordered soup. This next part is the part I really like, but I don't know why. For his lunch, the Italian ordered a salad with salmon. When lunch was delivered, all he was served was dried up beans on a plate. My roommate started to laugh uncontrolably. He got enraged and started yelling at the wait staff. They finally got him some fish tacos.
I haven't seen the Italian since, but he keeps calling my roommate and acting annoyed and angry that she's not calling him and inviting him over.
Anyway, my roommate has had an experience that further reveals Where the Boys Are (Not). I'm not sure why I find this story so funny but I just do. Perhaps because my roommate is so blase. This time the venue was a mostly-European-clientele jazz bar. Now this was helpful to me as I hate jazz, but was planning on checking out a jazz club just to see if it was where the boys are.
She went two weeks ago, and ended up talking to one of the two guys there that were'nt part of a couple. What you have to understand is that my roommate is Hungarian and likes to drink red wine and have conversations about culture. This guy was also European (Italien) and she described him as 'a little bit macho.' She had said this with a grimace but decided to give him a shot.
The guy came over on a Sunday with purple teeth and a fresh bottle of wine. He had curly hair and looked old. If you ask me she could have done a lot better than him, but she she seemed to be amusing herself. She, like me, is 36 and has not had a real date in 2 years. I heard them arguing in the hallway, but this is nothing new. She was using the same admonishing tone of voice as she uses with me and my other roomates in reference to the overflowing sink and the empty toilet paper roll.
Next week for her birthday, he invited her over for a BBQ but she declined. Mostly because she thinks he drinks too much. He gave her his number to call him, but she was clear in saying she was not going to do that; but he could call her if he wanted to.
On her birthday, this unwanted Italian showed up at the door with a dozen white roses and more red teeth, asking to take her to lunch. She yawned and shrugged. "Let me just change out of my robe."
The Italian launched into an animated monologue about jazz, to which I replied, 'I don't like jazz, I only like the blues.' He then became indignant and told me I couldn't like the blues if I didn't like jazz. Unruffled, I said, "Whatever you say," and offered him some sugar corn pops, which seemed to infuriate him more.
On the date, they rode from one restaurant to the next, looking for something suitable. The Italian refused to take the subway as my roommate suggested. Four cab rides in, my roommate was famished, and begged to just eat at some cheap Spanish place. The Italian was upset. Obvsiously my roommate wasn't falling prey to his charms as planned. For lunch, he tried to order for her, but that didn't work. She wanted soup, so she ordered soup. This next part is the part I really like, but I don't know why. For his lunch, the Italian ordered a salad with salmon. When lunch was delivered, all he was served was dried up beans on a plate. My roommate started to laugh uncontrolably. He got enraged and started yelling at the wait staff. They finally got him some fish tacos.
I haven't seen the Italian since, but he keeps calling my roommate and acting annoyed and angry that she's not calling him and inviting him over.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Britney vs. Angelina
Adoption guru, man-stealer, UN Goodwill Ambassador--and now Identity Theif. It seems that Angie not only nabbed Jen's man, but she grabbed her starring role in the film "A Mighty Pearl" based on the life and times of Daniel Pearl, a Wall Street Journal Reporter who was killed. So, the lowdown is Plan B bought the movie and Jennifer Aniston was set to star, Brad and Jen busted up, and Angie decided SHE wanted to play Daniel Pearl's grieving widow in the movie.
All the gossip rags report on this, and what I find really annoying is that they all seem to agree that Angelina is a better fit for the role since she "looks more like Mariane Pearl" than Aniston does.
Everyone seems to be overlooking that fact that Marianne Pearl is BLACK!! Hello???!!! She doesn't look anything like Jolie or Aniston!! I don't get it! It seems like Jolie can get away with murder.
Meanwhile, the press is eating Britney Spears alive. I mean, what is so different about what they did? I mean, let's look at the stats:
Adultry: Ok, they both are "homewreckers". But if you ask me, Shar Jackson should be thanking Britney. I mean, at least Shar doesn't have to bear the horrible shame of being married to the man responsible for setting musical history back about 1,000 years with the release of the "PapaZao" single. Meanwhile, Jolie's wandering eye lands her the cover of People Magazine and the title "most beautiful person inside and out"
Endangering the Life of a Child: Paprazzi catches Brad wheeling around the Namibian dessert popping wheelies with Maddox (sans helmet) on the back of his dirt bike. All he gets is a "be more careful Brad" slap on the wrist from US Weekly. Meanwhile,Britney is raked over the coals for running away from paprazzi that are stalking her with her kid in her lap while she was driving. Both are boneheads to be sure. But, just becuase Brit wasn't tucked away in a 3rd world country 'saving souls' and, instead, was speeding down the highway,blasting "Sweet Home Alabama" on her cd player and slugging Mountain Dew, everyone hates her.
Poor Fashion sense: Angelina turned her body into a 5 ft 9 in. billboard professing her love for the OTHER guy she stole, Billy Bob. It looks like she got a bunch of them removed and now her body has a lot of blurry black ink spots on it. I'm sure that looks very attractive when combined with stretch marks. During a Dateline interview Anne Curry has no comment, other than to remark how beautiful Jolie is. Meanwhile Britney, suffering an admittedly terrible case of what Ms. DunThat calls "reverse anorexia" whereby you see yorself as being much thinner than you actually are, squeezes her 6 month pregnant body into one of Jessica Simpson's leftover outfits from the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Matt Lauer proceeds to call her 'White Trash" on national television. Nice.
Poor Acting Skills. Crossroads--no good. Life or Something Like It--even worse.
Failed Marriages: Brit--A 24 hour marriage and quickie divorce. Angie--vials of blood, disgusting public make-out sessions with Billy Bob--who, I'd like to point out, basically looks like a 65 year old Kevin Federline, matching 'his and hers' wifebeaters on the red carpet...you decide.
So, until Brit buys the rights to "The Rosa Parks Story" and decides to cast herself in the starring role, I'm rooting for Team Britney!!
All the gossip rags report on this, and what I find really annoying is that they all seem to agree that Angelina is a better fit for the role since she "looks more like Mariane Pearl" than Aniston does.
Everyone seems to be overlooking that fact that Marianne Pearl is BLACK!! Hello???!!! She doesn't look anything like Jolie or Aniston!! I don't get it! It seems like Jolie can get away with murder.
Meanwhile, the press is eating Britney Spears alive. I mean, what is so different about what they did? I mean, let's look at the stats:
Adultry: Ok, they both are "homewreckers". But if you ask me, Shar Jackson should be thanking Britney. I mean, at least Shar doesn't have to bear the horrible shame of being married to the man responsible for setting musical history back about 1,000 years with the release of the "PapaZao" single. Meanwhile, Jolie's wandering eye lands her the cover of People Magazine and the title "most beautiful person inside and out"
Endangering the Life of a Child: Paprazzi catches Brad wheeling around the Namibian dessert popping wheelies with Maddox (sans helmet) on the back of his dirt bike. All he gets is a "be more careful Brad" slap on the wrist from US Weekly. Meanwhile,Britney is raked over the coals for running away from paprazzi that are stalking her with her kid in her lap while she was driving. Both are boneheads to be sure. But, just becuase Brit wasn't tucked away in a 3rd world country 'saving souls' and, instead, was speeding down the highway,blasting "Sweet Home Alabama" on her cd player and slugging Mountain Dew, everyone hates her.
Poor Fashion sense: Angelina turned her body into a 5 ft 9 in. billboard professing her love for the OTHER guy she stole, Billy Bob. It looks like she got a bunch of them removed and now her body has a lot of blurry black ink spots on it. I'm sure that looks very attractive when combined with stretch marks. During a Dateline interview Anne Curry has no comment, other than to remark how beautiful Jolie is. Meanwhile Britney, suffering an admittedly terrible case of what Ms. DunThat calls "reverse anorexia" whereby you see yorself as being much thinner than you actually are, squeezes her 6 month pregnant body into one of Jessica Simpson's leftover outfits from the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Matt Lauer proceeds to call her 'White Trash" on national television. Nice.
Poor Acting Skills. Crossroads--no good. Life or Something Like It--even worse.
Failed Marriages: Brit--A 24 hour marriage and quickie divorce. Angie--vials of blood, disgusting public make-out sessions with Billy Bob--who, I'd like to point out, basically looks like a 65 year old Kevin Federline, matching 'his and hers' wifebeaters on the red carpet...you decide.
So, until Brit buys the rights to "The Rosa Parks Story" and decides to cast herself in the starring role, I'm rooting for Team Britney!!
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