Friday, October 07, 2005

Anybody have any dirt on Tom Cruise?

It's me! (not the Asian chick, the pasty one to the back left.) God I look so pasty- Tom is making me look bad with his fake bake! What you can't see is that I'm clutching Tom from behind- we're on a first name basis after all. He's very close to me because I'm actually pulling him in like a lech. I mean he is cute.
Nicole Kidman's a real class act. Because if I were her, OUT Magazine would be doing a big expose on Tom Cruise, despite the questionable validity of the rumors. I would gather every detail of poor conduct and questionable sanity, and there'd be a dent on Oprah's couch where my ass would be telling Tom Cruise fans everywhere. OK, so that's a bit harsh. But really let's examine how awful this is. Nicole Kidman wants a natural child, we all know this. For whatever reason this doesn't happen during the course of her marriage. There is a miscarriage, reports of sterility, nobody really knows the story. A few days shy of their 10th anniversary, soon after he writes her some romantic poem, he announces he's leaving the marriage. She is devastated, and continues to mourn the relationship like a normal person. He rubs out any signs of emotional attachment and starts dating another starlet. And she gets to read about it anytime she passes by a newstand or turns on the television. By the time he plucks the 16 year younger Holmes from her engagement to that cute actor Chris Klein, the public notices that he has gone full out, mad Scientologist-crazy. He still acts larger than life. He is ranting at Matt Lauer on TV, saying negative things about Brooke Shields, denouncing an entire medical field, which incidently is the same field that his former father in law of 10 years devotes his life to, and still expects people to think he's this great guy? Now he's going to be a dad? How can Nicole Kidman stand it? I can't stand it. And you know why? Because my ex is a watered down version of the same thing. And he still has power over me. Tom Cruise gets to act like a crazy person and be rewarded for it with a life beyond anyone's wildest dreams? Maybe my ex can too. Uuuugh!
So, come on anybody. Does anybody have the scoop on Tom Cruise? What's really going on there? You can tell us.


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