Diary of a Mad Single Woman

OUTLINE OF MY LOVELIFE


I. The Pre-Dating Years
A. Birth
B. Celebrity Infatuations
1. Sean Cassidy
a. Purchase of Da Doo Run Run Album
b. Making Out With Pillow after Hardy Boys TV Show
2. ‘Leroy’ from Fame
a. Defunct ‘Gaydar’
b. Set lifelong precedent for bad taste
C. Awkward Stage
1. Too short
2. Head Gear
3. Flat Chest
II. High School Highlights
A. Prom
1. Stag with girlfriends
2. Snubbed guy who later became unbelievably hot neurosurgeon
B. Drama Club
1. Unrequited crushes
2. Make out session with closeted fellow cast member
C. Dances
1. Drinking Rum and Coke in Bleachers
2. Slow Dance to Stairway to Heaven with Boy Who says my Sweater
Looks like Strawberry Yogurt
III. College
A. The Beer Goggle Years
1. Alternative Mark
a. Wore silverware as jewelry
2. Curly-Haired Thom
b. Kept grandfather’s old condom from WW II as family
heirloom
3. Other
c. Don’t remember
B. Serious Relationship
1. Brian the Schizophrenic
a. Would continually ask me if I could also see things
that were figments of his imagination
1.) Bulls running through backyard
C. Academic Probation
1. Homeward Bound
a. Nights at Home with Dad, Mom and Brother
IV. The Roaring Twenties
A. Buzzkill Byron
1. Refused to take taxicabs, buses or subways; resulting in 8 block
travel radius
2. Had sour stomach which dictated the geriatric plan for most
activities
3. Broke up w/me
B. Crip Dreadfield
1. Separated from wife who he was still in love with
2. Hated his mother
3. Short
4. Broke up w/me

VI. Present Day
A. ‘Couple’ Friends Start Their Families
1. Picking Up Babies Instead of Picking Up Men
2. Necessity of new, young, ‘going out’ friends
a. Pounding house music
b. One-night stand stories
B. Dating Again
1. Guy who kept hors d’euvres in gym bag
2. Two other losers

C. Resignation
1. Ghiradelli Brownies
2. Lifetime, We, etc…
3. Foster dog