Friday, June 01, 2007

In The Hampton's! Plus, Leonardo DiCaprio

To snag some quality gal pal time, take some dreaded online dating photos, and of course the usual hunt for Mr. Right.

I headed out with my friends Daisy and Melanie to Bridgehampton and some of the surrounding towns for the holiday weekend. They had snagged one of the last available cars at the rental place, which was a dull purple wagon we called the 'Grimace-mobile.' A real guy magnet. As you may have guessed, I succeeded at two of the three above missions.
As far as girl time goes, we read Star magazine on the beach, shopped, and test marketed double scoop ice cream cones from three different ice cream parlors. Despite a few road blocks, a good time was had by all. Our beach day turned cold and breezy, which gave me a good excuse to cover my lumpy bottom with a towel. Later, shopping almost came to blows in the changing room of Australian Feminity, a curiously named clothing store ran by Asian women where nothing is Australian. I was trying on dresses when a heavily tatood biker chick caught her boyfriend first staring at my breasts, which were stuffed together like grapefruits, and then heard him saying to me "Nice, that dress fits real nice." Then, we were surprised out of our wits to be charged 8 dollars each for take out ice creams in East Hampton. The poor pubescent soda jerk grumbled the exorbitant sum guiltily under his breath as he handed over the cone. Undoubtedly, our voices choraled the beginning of a long summertime arrangement consisting of What do you mean, 8 dollars? and What the fu** , is this ice cream laced with cocaine?
Daisy took a large batch of photos so I could get started on the As usual, in every picture I look enbalmed.

We decided to support the community by attending the local fire department's pancake breakfast on Sunday. I ate pancakes, eggs and bacon, and went back for a second helping in true piglet style. Melanie thought the frozen, pre-packaged orange juice was scary. I thought the orange juice was decent but was less impressed with the actual firemen, none of whom I could imagine featured on a calendar.

We did get to spend time with Daisy's dad, who is a chef, which puts him as the front runner for best male dinner companion so far this year.

When I got back to New York and my glamorous life of dog walking, I would like to tell you all that as far as Mr. Right goes, the news is, I found him! Unfortunately, doing so made me want to shoot myself. Here's what happened:

I was taking out a client, a bassett hound named Ziggy for the usual series of treeside leglifts, and, if I'm lucky, a moderately-sized curbside dump. The dog is not important to the story, but I really like Ziggy so I thought I'd mention him. Anyway, I saw a posting in Zig's apartment that a movie would be filming there for that day only. I started salivating when I found out who was in the building. The film's director was Sam Mendes, who directed one of my favorite movies of all time, American Beauty. I mean, two weeks ago, I rented the DVD just so I could see the director's cut. And I will save the detail about who is the star of the movie until I get there in my story. I talked to one of the tech guys who explained that they will be breaking for lunch shortly, if I wanted to stick around and get a glimpse of the star. Ziggy had already pooped, so I had brought him back upstairs already.
I leaned against the building on 101st street in the hot, sticky heat, waiting. I tried calling a bunch of friends on my cell so I would appear to be less obvious, but no one was around. So I just stood there. About five minutes later, I saw him. Leo (DiCaprio, of course) came strolling out of the building by himself. He passed right in front of me, and my God, did he look steamin', ladies. His shirt was unbuttoned about halfway. His skin was flawless and tan. He had been obviously working out and was larger that than I would have thought. And I mean that in a good way. He looked straight ahead as he passed within a foot of me, as I just stared at him like an idiot. I wanted to say something like, "take me to your world."
I cursed myself for not having Ziggy with me. He's a cutie, and I'm sure could have gotten
Leo's attention for me, I know it. Now that I'd already brought him back upstairs, it was I that was in serious danger of throwing myself onto Leo and humping his leg. I should have taken a god damned picture on my phone for this blog and to put under my pillow but I thought that would be rude.
The horrible excruciating part of it was when I saw Sam Mendes join him, and the two of them turned right to the restricted catering area. I had to turn left to go pick up Sam 10 blocks up, for another round of #1 and #2. It hurts people, it hurts.


Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

CresceNet said...

Gostei muito desse post e seu blog é muito interessante, vou passar por aqui sempre =) Depois dá uma passada lá no meu site, que é sobre o CresceNet, espero que goste. O endereço dele é . Um abraço.

Monitor de LCD said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Monitor de LCD, I hope you enjoy. The address is A hug.

Anonymous said...

You deserve your pitiful existence.

Anonymous said...

viagra soft tabs buy generic viagra buy viagra in london england herbal viagra free sample prescription for viagra problems with viagra low cost viagra viagra for sale without a prescription buy cheap viagra online uk viagra logo india viagra cialis vicodin viagra samples buy viagra online uk viagra generique

Anonymous said...

Pretty! This was a really wonderful post. Thank you for supplying
these details.
Check out my homepage example

Anonymous said...

This post presents clear idea in favor of the new visitors of blogging, that genuinely how to do running a blog.
Also see my web site: diet plans That work

Anonymous said...

I was recommended this blog by means of my
cousin. I am not sure whether this publish is written via
him as nobody else recognise such unique about my problem.

You're amazing! Thanks!

my website: published here

Anonymous said...

Hello, this weekend is good designed for me, as
this occasion i am reading this impressive educational
article here at my house.

My website buy youtube Subscribers cheap

Anonymous said...

It's an remarkable post in support of all the online people; they will obtain benefit from it I am sure.

Review my homepage ... link

Anonymous said...

Hello my loved one! I wish to say that this article is awesome, great written and come with approximately all important infos.
I'd like to look extra posts like this .

My web page: can you buy exposed skin care in stores

Anonymous said...

It's the best time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I could I
want to suggest you few interesting things or tips. Maybe
you could write next articles referring to this article.
I wish to read more things about it!

my page; blog

Anonymous said...

Admіring the commitment you put into уour ѕite and dеtаilеd information you proviԁe.
It's great to come across a blog every once in a while that isn't thе
same out of ԁate rehashed material. Fantastіc reаd!
Ι've bookmarked your site and I'm including your RSS feeds to my Googlе account.

Fеel freе to surf to mу weblog

Anonymous said...

WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching for Substanz

Feel free to surf to my blog post ... view website
Also see my site :: read more

Anonymous said...

Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your
web site, how could i subscribe for a blog web site? The account aided me a acceptable
deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea

My website - flats to rent

Anonymous said...

I do accept as true with all the ideas you have presented to your post.
They are very convincing and will certainly work. Nonetheless,
the posts are very short for novices. Could you please lengthen them a little
from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.

Also visit my blog post flat

Anonymous said...

Undeniаbly believe that which you stated. Your fаvoгite гeаson
seemed to be on the web the ѕimplest thіng to be awaгe of.

I saу tо you, I certainly get irkеd while people think
abоut wοrries that they plainly do not know abοut.
You managed to hit the nail upon the toρ anԁ аlso defined out the ωhole thing without having sidе-effеcts , ρeople can take a signal.
Will likely be back tо get moгe. Thаnks

Сhecκ out my homepage; premature ejaculation pills

Anonymous said...

Spot on with this write-up, I honestly believe that this website needs a lot more attention.
I'll probably be returning to read more, thanks for the information!

Also visit my blog Property

Anonymous said...

Hi, I do think this is a great site. I stumbledupon it ;) I'm going to return once again since i have saved as a favorite it. Money and freedom is the greatest way to change, may you be rich and continue to guide others.

my site;

Anonymous said...

I will immediately grasp your rss feed as I can't in finding your email subscription hyperlink or newsletter service. Do you've any?
Kindly allow me realize in order that I may subscribe.


Also visit my webpage: Calgary mortgage broker

Anonymous said...

Wow, awesome weblog format! How lengthy have you ever been running a blog for?
you made blogging glance easy. The entire glance of your website
is fantastic, as smartly as the content material!

my page - Find a Bungalow

Anonymous said...

Hеy theгe! I јust wanted
to ask if you ever have anу issues with hackers?
My last blοg (wordprеѕs) wаs hacked аnԁ I еnded up lοsing seveгаl weeks of
hard work duе tο no datа backup. Do you have any methoԁs to
stοp hackers?

Ϻy homepаge; hcg diet dangers
my site > nigen biotech the hcg solution

Anonymous said...

Αmazing! Itѕ actuаlly aωesome piece of writing, I have got much clеar idеa concerning
from this piеce οf wrіtіng.

Feel free to surf to my blog post hcg diet

Anonymous said...

What's up every one, here every one is sharing these experience, so it's good to read this website, and I used to go to see this blog every day.

Feel free to visit my web page: a total noob

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure where you are getting your information, but great topic. I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more. Thanks for magnificent information I was looking for this information for my mission.

Feel free to surf to my blog post keywords for brian tracy url:

Anonymous said...

Pretty part of content. I simply stumbled upon your blog and in accession capital to claim that I
get in fact enjoyed account your weblog posts. Anyway I'll be subscribing for your augment or even I achievement you get right of entry to persistently rapidly.

my weblog ... waterproof Iphone case