In The Hampton's! Plus, Leonardo DiCaprio

MEMORIAL DAY IN THE HAMPTONS, MISSION STATEMENT:
To snag some quality gal pal time, take some dreaded online dating photos, and of course the usual hunt for Mr. Right.

I headed out with my friends Daisy and Melanie to Bridgehampton and some of the surrounding towns for the holiday weekend. They had snagged one of the last available cars at the rental place, which was a dull purple wagon we called the 'Grimace-mobile.' A real guy magnet. As you may have guessed, I succeeded at two of the three above missions.

As far as girl time goes, we read Star magazine on the beach, shopped, and test marketed double scoop ice cream cones from three different ice cream parlors. Despite a few road blocks, a good time was had by all. Our beach day turned cold and breezy, which gave me a good excuse to cover my lumpy bottom with a towel. Later, shopping almost came to blows in the changing room of Australian Feminity, a curiously named clothing store ran by Asian women where nothing is Australian. I was trying on dresses when a heavily tatood biker chick caught her boyfriend first staring at my breasts, which were stuffed together like grapefruits, and then heard him saying to me "Nice, that dress fits real nice." Then, we were surprised out of our wits to be charged 8 dollars each for take out ice creams in East Hampton. The poor pubescent soda jerk grumbled the exorbitant sum guiltily under his breath as he handed over the cone. Undoubtedly, our voices choraled the beginning of a long summertime arrangement consisting of What do you mean, 8 dollars? and What the fu** , is this ice cream laced with cocaine?
Daisy took a large batch of photos so I could get started on the Match.com. As usual, in every picture I look enbalmed.

We decided to support the community by attending the local fire department's pancake breakfast on Sunday. I ate pancakes, eggs and bacon, and went back for a second helping in true piglet style. Melanie thought the frozen, pre-packaged orange juice was scary. I thought the orange juice was decent but was less impressed with the actual firemen, none of whom I could imagine featured on a calendar.

We did get to spend time with Daisy's dad, who is a chef, which puts him as the front runner for best male dinner companion so far this year.

When I got back to New York and my glamorous life of dog walking, I would like to tell you all that as far as Mr. Right goes, the news is, I found him! Unfortunately, doing so made me want to shoot myself. Here's what happened:

I was taking out a client, a bassett hound named Ziggy for the usual series of treeside leglifts, and, if I'm lucky, a moderately-sized curbside dump. The dog is not important to the story, but I really like Ziggy so I thought I'd mention him. Anyway, I saw a posting in Zig's apartment that a movie would be filming there for that day only. I started salivating when I found out who was in the building. The film's director was Sam Mendes, who directed one of my favorite movies of all time, American Beauty. I mean, two weeks ago, I rented the DVD just so I could see the director's cut. And I will save the detail about who is the star of the movie until I get there in my story. I talked to one of the tech guys who explained that they will be breaking for lunch shortly, if I wanted to stick around and get a glimpse of the star. Ziggy had already pooped, so I had brought him back upstairs already.

I leaned against the building on 101st street in the hot, sticky heat, waiting. I tried calling a bunch of friends on my cell so I would appear to be less obvious, but no one was around. So I just stood there. About five minutes later, I saw him. Leo (DiCaprio, of course) came strolling out of the building by himself. He passed right in front of me, and my God, did he look steamin', ladies. His shirt was unbuttoned about halfway. His skin was flawless and tan. He had been obviously working out and was larger that than I would have thought. And I mean that in a good way. He looked straight ahead as he passed within a foot of me, as I just stared at him like an idiot. I wanted to say something like, "take me to your world."

I cursed myself for not having Ziggy with me. He's a cutie, and I'm sure could have gotten

Leo's attention for me, I know it. Now that I'd already brought him back upstairs, it was I that was in serious danger of throwing myself onto Leo and humping his leg. I should have taken a god damned picture on my phone for this blog and to put under my pillow but I thought that would be rude.

The horrible excruciating part of it was when I saw Sam Mendes join him, and the two of them turned right to the restricted catering area. I had to turn left to go pick up Sam 10 blocks up, for another round of #1 and #2. It hurts people, it hurts.