S.O.S.

Starting off with technical difficulties! The broken down cart of author #2's relationship hit a fatal speed bump 2 months ago, with her BF abruptly abandoning her and later slamming his literal door into her literal face. So "man that won't commit" has actually morphed into "man that will never commit". Ouch, it still hurts. Relax, everybody, our book about the slippery creatures is still forthcoming, only a bit more sardonic, perhaps, than anticipated. I won't rehash the horror so much on this site; after all, we are trying to offer enlightenment and humor. Suffice it to say it was grusome and unexpected, most definately 'lifetime movie of the week' material.
Thankfully and suprisingly, I seem to have finally passed through the Howard Hughes-like stage where all I could do was watch daytime TV and eat M&M's that I had lined up on my stomach and that would fall into my navel. You know, when you're well aware every second that it sucks to be alive, but what else are you gonna do. Oh, I know, how about complain and feel sorry for myself, that sounds like the next appropriate action.
This Easter weekend, he can just go and suck on a giant egg. At least that's one less errand I have to do this weekend, go to pick out his favorite candy at two seperate candy stores and shop for a damn basket. HaHa! He's done it now! I'll bet he's really going to miss those twizzlers and other bonbons, realize he's made the biggest mistake of his life and come slinking back to my door. And then what will I say? I still haven't decided but in my fantasy I have 3 versions of responses:
"Kiss my Grits!"
"I would sooner pull a dimond out of my bum than trust you again", and
"What took you so long to come back this time?"

If history is any indication, my response could be a schizophrenic combo of those three sentiments. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW INSANE I FEEL AFTER ALL HIS BROKEN PROMISES, SMOOTH, EMPTY SENTIMENT, and SYMPATHY PLOYS! Uuugh!