Sunday, May 21, 2006


Ms. DunThat's past reminds me of another vacation I took with my commitment shy guy (our very first vacation as a matter of fact). This vacation was to a developing nation with unreliable road transport. We were planning to do a lot of walking, biking, etc. to get around. One week before the vacation he decided to run a major city marathon (27 miles) WITHOUT TRAINING--just a couple of hurdler stretches at the start gate and he was off!. He finished the race but had to be on crutches and a cane for our whole trip. Perhaps he was trying to tell me something? But, I digress. This post is actually to you about my latest the midwest...with my parents.

So, we finally make it out of the house and to the airport. Just as we are parking the car at the remote parking lot (to save money) a huge cloud appears and the sky gets all dark and all that so my father says I should drop him, ny mother, and my 3 year old at the bus shelter so they don't have to get wet. so, I drop them off and park the car. As I'm getting out of the car it starts raining cats and dogs. I'm holding my 18 month old who weighs twenty seven pounds and I've got a HUGE bag over my shoulder. As I'm hobbling towards them (getting pelted with rain) I see my parents and 3 year old get on the airport shuttle, which then begins speeding out of the parking lot. I start running like mad with this heavy kid and even heavier bag, in the rain. My kid is laughing his head off, like it is some huge joke.

We finally make it into the terminal and we are standing in line. My mom (who is, by the way, 72 years old) for some odd reason, is wearing a pin striped man's tailored suit and jacket. Not exactly comfy travel wear, if you know what I mean. Her suit was exactly like the one Janet Jackson wore in the 'Alright' video during her 'Rhythm Nation' days--except my mom didn't have that hanging glass pocket watch thing that Janet did. She did, however, have extremely high heels on. Further complicating things is the fact that she has recently put her hair in extremely long extension braids (much like the kind Janet Jackson had in the Poetic Justice movie come to think of it). Unlike Janet, however, she did not have a headband or any kind of elastic band to hold the braids out of her eyes. Which is probably why the following accident happened.

So, she is holding my 3 year old by the hand and he is holding his little brother's hand. The three year old decides to bust that move that the kid did in Jerry Maguire, you know, when you are being held by two people bigger than you and you kick up your feet while you are walking and swing in between. The problem with this is that, unlike the kid in Jerry Maguire, he was not being held by two adults. Rather, he is holding hands with a 72 year old Janet Jackson impersonator and a baby.

Well, you can guess what happened. He kicks up his legs and they all went down like a house of cards. The three year old crashes into 'Janet' (aka grandma) those spiked heels gave out and she went crashing to the ground. The three year old fell on top of her and pulled the 18 month old down on top of him. They crashed into our pile of suicases. It was a three car pileup.

The flight was reasonably uneventful. When we got to the hotel, however, thr 'fun' started up again. We get to the front desk and try to check in. My husband had made the reservation over the internet. However, he was not with us. When we get to the front desk I try to check all of us in. The clerk will not let us take posession of the keys becuase my husband is the only name on the reservation. He and I don't have the same name b/c (being the modern missy that I am) I didn't change my name when we got hitched. So, basically she says she can't let me in the room b/c I could be an imposter or something.

I try to call my hubhby so he can tell her he authorizes me to get into the room. He of course has his cell phone off. Things are getting hairy and my parents are meling down. Further complicating things is the fact that when I was on the plane my sinuses started acting up due to th change in pressure and my ears went all funny as well. When we landed something in my nose and ears 'popped'. My nose would not stop running. It was gushing like a fountain. I, of course, had no tissues and had to keep using my sleeve. In addition, I was now temporarily deaf in one ear. I kid you not, I could hear nothing but muffled sounds out of my right ear.

The snotty clerk says 'we need a photo ID with the last name of the person who is on this reservation--nothing less'. My nose is gushing like Niagra Falls. I have no tissue, and I can't hear. So, in a moment of desperation I pull out my 18 month old kid's passport (I travel with it to prove to people that he is actually under 2 and can fly for free since they never believe he is under 2 since he is so huge). So, I pull out the passport, the photo on which was taken when he was 2 weeks old and he looks dazed and angry. (Ms. DunThat thinks he looks like a miniature Albert Brooks, which he does).

Miraculously, it works. Since he and dear hubby have the same last name and the baby had a photo ID, we were able to use his ID to get into the room. I think they gave in b/c my nose was dripping onto the reservation counter. Just as we are checking in (finally) I hear a huge commotion behind me. Hotel employees are running from everywhere. As I move closer to the elevators I see what is going on. My kid (the mini Albert Brooks one whose ID we have just used) has plunged into the decorative waterfall that is the centerpiece of the lobby and is soaking wet. He has also gotten water EVERYWHERE. As I approached and scooped him up, they were putting up all these yellow sighs that said CAUTION, HAZARD, SLIPPERY SURFACE.

Our last act of the disastrous day was to go to the 'Happy Hour' sponsored by the hotel. Everyone wanted to go, so we had no choice but to take the little kids with us. So there we are: me, my parents who are in their seventies, and two small children sitting at a hotel bar eating mini-hotdogs (pigs in a blanket) and driking free apple martinis. Somehow I don't think Brangelina ever have to deal with things like this....

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